happiness and pain

ever felt so contradictory before?
ever experience so much happiness and pure pain at the same time?
i was glad that u came and talk to me but i also felt the breaking of my heart.
ouch i guess
i dun wan it if u are just trying to pay me back or u felt obliged to give me becuz i gave u
it must come from ur heart. when even if i dun give u anything u will still wan to give me something

well i do now
its an indescribable feeling. leave u high and dry.

i will keep the mask on and the act going

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
im sooooooooo useless
so many things
so many words
so many thoughts
forget it

pissed

i feel like shit now.
angry with everything for no goddamn reason.
i think its becuz its christmas?
(LOL. who the hell feel angry becuz of christmas? i gotta be the first)
not really in the mood with everything that going around me

i really fuck care now.
it my way or the highway
im sick and tired
not just in the physical sense but also in the emotional and mental state
really feel like shit
ok. thats it. end of my ranting.

P.S.
good luck dude
dun end up like me
im already past saving.
it took all my willpower and im nt sure i have enough to keep me going

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

hmmm
dunno wat to say
dun even know wat im feeling and thinking now
ok


btw
LOL
dude... ya're tooooooooo obvious man
heard of something called discreet?
lol. guess im not the best person to tell ppl that.
HAHA. maybe u wanna try subtlety.
might work.


oh yar
good for you
hope u'll be better now:)

favor

do me a favor yea?
have fun. i mean seriously. have fun
dun need bother abt me
haha. i dun think u did.
but really, have fun without me.
i wont turn up.

phone

wat the point???
haiz. how many times have i said this? to myself and other people. nth can be done to help.
i didnt do anything. u made thing this way.
ok. should really let myself go. why punish myself for something or some choice made by other people.
im becoming an asshole
a thru and thru asshole
dun wanna think how my actions may affect ppl

i really should move out
is abt time too


well on another note,
IM GETTING MY IPOD TOUCH!!!!
lols
this means the end of using my phone as a mp3 player
thank you phone
every where i go i need my phone
this is not becuz i have a lot of impt phone call or msgs
but becuz i cant live without the music in my phone
seriously i dun use my phone for msging and talking much
the main use is the mp3 player
god knows i have tons of song in my phone
making it super laggy
so, as thanks to my dear phone,
im dedicating this post to my phone
LOL
IPOD TOUCH HERE I COMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

really

did i really
was it really
can i really

idk
only time will tell

jerry say and i quote
"i rather have sex with XXXXX den quarrel with my good fren gyver"
yea... that abt sums it up for me

tired

so i see this is how its gonna be
alright den
nothing much i can do
i already tried
at my expenses
getting involved too much too often
im gonna just be a bystander from now on


things WILL go back to how it was
i want them to. serious.
but i will nvr be the same
and maybe its not a bad thing
at least, at least I wont get hurt anymore
cuz u cant hurt a person who cant feel rite
and in fact, we can become close fren becuz of it
cuz i'll know that thats the furthest we'll go ;

X 1234567890

back to the way it was
thats what i wan now
and really
TOUCH WOOD X 99999999999

thanks and sorry
cant repeat that more than enough
i know u still dun believe me yet, i dun either
but it will definitely be better
thank lots


ok. my brain's half dead from all the thinking i have done.
need to sleep and let more brain cells grow back.
god knows i need it. the brain cells.

ok

all i managed was.......
ha
lol
big time lol
hell
damn
im not running away
not this time
yea
damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.damn.
k
im done
im fine
at least i will be
soon
real
soon

i need time
but for wat??
to do wat??

i know this will come
but it came too fast
i tot it will take a few more weeks
where i can use this time to sort out my thoughts
but today u came and im lost once again
dun blame urself
it shows how much u care abt this frenship
i understand
its my problem not yours

18

in the end
i replied
out of courtesy i guess

this yr
i've changed
ppl've changed
my way of seeing things and doing things is different from the past
i have nothing else to say
some things are best left unsaid
and somethings
i just dun feel like saying.


















welcome to the 18th yr
kinda regret replying
i dunno why also
maybe i just need some time
some time away from everything
and everybody



i am not that into twilight is becuz i have already read the book last year
in fact, i read the whole series already
i bet ppl wont be this interested if it wasnt made into a movie
another romantic love story
its a great read
and i felt this way be4 it was made into a movie
another book i think is interesting is the Pendragon series
tho its more for younger kids and there is no romantic love story in it,
i feel that it can teach things that even adults dun know

there is a difference between child-like and childish
and its important to know the difference


as a mark of becoming 18
im gonna tell u guys 8 stuff all of u dunno abt me( tho i know that no1 wants to know. haha)

• I have always wanted either extreme long hair or extreme short hair. but i cant make up my mind, therefore, my hair is always in this state of messiness and middle length.
• I am stupider than i look
• I am too kapo therefore i know more things den i should know
• I really like to msg and chat. of course, there are ppls and things i dun chat to or abt
• I always know more than what i show or let on
• It very easy to change my mind. all you gotta do is.............
• I have a serious love-hate relationship with my phone( sometimes i just feel like throwing it away)
• I really dun care abt occasions suchs as birthdays(including my own), Christmas or New Year

thanks

it's one in the morning now
i recieved 5 msgs and 1 call
thanks a lot
really appreciate it
not gonna mention names here
but i'll always rmb those who did
oh ya
im not gonna reply anyone
my thanks are all said here
those who dun come here den too bad

all the msgs abt having a nice day and such
haha
im not even going out of the house
yea
i can see that
it's gonna be a great day


on another thought
just to let all my females friends know
even if i msg u often and long
there is no hidden agenda
i just like to msg
dun start being paranoid
and think i like u
my thumbs are just itchy

ok.. but by the time im done i received another msg:)

Untitled

im gonna allow myself this 5 mins to be sad
things have to be let go
all i can say is
sorry
thanks
and
finally
bye

it's just another day in my life
i dun need presents or wishes
tho its really really appreciated
thanks to those who gave me the present
to those who forgot
its fine
im used to it
haha ;D

think

thought
think
thinking
made up
my mind
not clear
must do
best way
wait
time
fast
back
friend
i
fine
not now
maybe
later
thanks

Vunerable - Secondhand Serenade

Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in
because its cold outside cold outside its cold outside
share with me the secrets that you kept in
because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that your scared like me so
let's pretend we're alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepared
but I don't care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

I was born to tell you I love you
isn't that a song already
I get a B in originality
and it's true I cant go on without you
your smile makes me see clearer
if you could only see in the mirror what I see

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that your scared like me so
let's pretend we're alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepared
but I don't care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

slow down girl your not going anywhere
just wait around and see
maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

2 stories

realised that my previous two post too emo
so, to lighten or lessen the emoness,
i am gonna tell u a story or two

a guy who has been deprived of sleep for two days, is freaking tired and frustrated by the things going on around him decided to walk home instead of taking a bus home. he relished the walk, feeling that it help clear his head a bit and sort out his thought a bit. he walk past a park and on a spur of the moment, decided to go back to nature a bit, so he took the longer route thru the park. he wanted a getaway from the frustration in life and all the confusing things that is bothering him. he walks thru the park breathing the fresh air and enjoying the sound of nature, the sounds of birds and the rustling of trees. NOT!!! all he hear is the sounds of cars, buses and bikes cruising past on the road outside. every where he turn to he see the sign of human interventing with nature. he wonders, why does Man have to destroy everything nature have given to them and only to start regretting when nature have nothing else left to give and den try to protect nature when its already too late. well, at least we tried he reasoned. yet there is nothing we can do to make thing back to how it was.

morale of the story? dun take things for granted.

i am not some Mother Earth loving environmentalist.
just somebody who actually thought about what would happen in the not too near future
would the earth still survive? is there an End Of Days?

here's another story,
a boy at the age who 12 found out by accident that he was an adopted child. his thinking is consider matured for children his age but nevertheless, he was still a kid. he was lost at wat to do. worst of all, he found out that he came from the very country which he had depised since young. he was shocked and scared. scared that if his peer found out that he is from that country they would depise him too, like how he used to depise people from that country. he didnt know how to handle the situation yet he is matured enough not to confront his parents. so bit by bit, he confirmed the fact and came to his own conclusion on wat to do.

he also learnt the reasons to some of the treatment he had received from some of his relative. he now knows that the reason why some of his relative treat him like an outsider. yet, he felt no anger. he felt only relief and gratefulness. grateful to his parents for adopting him. bringing him out of that shit hole of a place. he started thinking, what the hell would have happened to me if i wasnt adopted? would i be given to some orphanage? or would i grow up to be a farmer or something along that line? would i even be able to receive a proper education? or even worse, would i even be able to live past 5 year old?

from that day onwards, he grew. he learnt how to put up a mask in front of his parents. to always show a happy face regardless how depressed he might feel. to always let his parent have their way even if they were wrong. he felt that all this is still not enough to pay his foster parents for wat they have done for him. he decided to stop relying on his foster parents the moment he have the ability to earn money, to feed himself. he almost never asked for anything extravagant and his prayers were simple, only for his family member to be happy. up till today, he have kept up the mask for almost 6 years and tried his very best to repay his debts and nvr let his parents worry about him. he had kept his silence and will carry on till the day his foster parent decide to tell him themselves or till the day they die. he is tired, extremely tired but he'll never give up.

this is a true story.
people out there, how would u feel and react if u were the boy.
to find out that u are not ur parents biological child can be quite a blow, moreover at the tender age of 12.
would u keep ur peace or would u have gone to confront ur parents?
cherish the people around you
it matter not who they once were or where they came from
if you were ever rude to ur parents, think about this:
they scold becuz they care
they bothered becuz they loved you
how would u feel if one day they just decided to ignore you?
let u do wat ever u wan?
sure... u'll feel great at first but slowly the emptiness will start to swallow you up.
you'll feel neglected and alone.
everyone need somebody who care and love them
and your parents would be the only one who love and care for u unconditionally,
regardless how u feel towards them
they might not show it in the most direct way
but they care, they really do
it really doesnt matter whether they are biological or not.
so now take this chance
tell your parent/s this the very next moment u see them:
I LOVE YOU MUM AND DAD!!!
dun take them for granted cuz u nvr know when they might leave you.

wao

wao... feel kan phua betrayed for like no good reason??? =T
paranoia would be a good word now.
guess there is no going back.
the hurt is done and tho it'll heal, there will always be the scar there to remind me.
i refuse to and wont let it affect me
cuz i always believe in second chance and i also understand that sometimes, its becuz of circumstances.
yet, easier said den done

shit. regretting it now. why i so bo liao?
got time dun use to study go play wat friendster
knn
now no mood study le
FUCK!
*first time using vulgarity outright(just no other words that will suffice), hope its the last time

im starting to feel suspicious abt every single shit my friends do or say to me. wat he/she mean when he/she say that. wat he/she mean when he/she do that. is there anything they are keeping from me again.why he/she suddenly tell me that, etc. i know that its unhealthy for the friendship but i cant help it.... ULTRA PARANOIA MODE... i seriously feel like an mfing SOAB asshole bastard....

10

10 and counting down
still thinking abt it
its a hard decision u know


我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔
told u i sucks at this
sorry if i left u helpless

bad

im tired, pissed and frustrated. yea ppl from mkting, conB i know. used most of the 8 defense mechanism also no use. things are going out of my hand. in the foulest mood ever. try not to piss me off this week. i might f***ing kill you. lol(just to make u feel as though i wouldnt really kill you but i will).

lost and confused? received opinions. good and bad. it really kinda of one-sided though.
touching? scary?
i dun really get it. yet i understand wat he really mean.
den again, whats the point if it didn't even reach the person intended.
写得再好听， 再感动，如果你的看法和我不一样， 那就什么用都没有。
no more from today onwards i guess.
i just wanted a place to vent my frustration, to show my feeling without holding any thing back.
yet... yet...
thanks for the advice, it really help.
put things into perspective
maybe i was just being an insensitive bastard
regardless what, there is still consequences to bear,especially when writing on a public domain.
but am i gonna change? not sure. havent found my way yet.
顺其自然?? see how lor.(my fav phrase, see how lor.lol)

what i really wanna do now?
i feel like accepting the offer.
leave this god damn place and start afresh
left with 11 days to make the decision
can i really let everything/everyone go?
我放得下吗？
it is a one way trip.
= T
will u be scared off? neh, i think indifferent is more like it

bye bye.. off to blaw
P.S. today FM flunked le 30 dec dun ask me out cuz got retest